The Wall: Inner Journey
by AceMyth
Summary: And what if we misunderstood? A different point of view.


The Wall/ Ben H. (AceMyth).  
(written 2002)  
  
  
The Hogwarts School for Witchcraft and Wizardry is an awe-inspiring construction, supported by an incalculable amount of magic. The very concept of magic borders on a superlative, something beyond the perception of most humans. Humans have two ways of treating something beyong their understanding: Irrational fear and worshipping. For magic, the human society has chosen both. But the magic supports something much more understandable and comfortable: walls. Next to the bedazzlingly arcane concept of magic, a wall is almost like a good friend, reminding you of the little fraction of the world that you do, somewhat, understand.   
  
The earth will revolve itself gracefully, allowing some light rays from the sun to reach the surface of the particular area of castle Hogwarts. Some may refer to the process as 'sunrise', for lack of a better word. Peter Pettigrew will not blame these people. Peter pettigrew will not be in position to blame anybody. He will be shaking and sweating- bravery would have never his strong point. Not under these circumstances, or any circumstances, in fact. And the sun rising will be just a mirage. If it would not, it might as well will be.   
He will be a part of a system- a closed system containing four components. The room, Harry Potter, the knife and him.   
  
In that order of significance.  
  
"The sun truly holds no meaning", Pettigrew will think. "The window is therefore just as meaningless. I have nothing to do with this window."  
  
The window will disappear.  
  
That will be it, then. It would be just the room, the knife, Potter and him. "Strange,", he will think. "One wall is different from the others. It is made of seven layers of bricks. Is the wall insignificant?" But the wall will not disappear. Peter Pettigrew will not know why, but Harry Potter's unconcious figure will be the probable key to the solution. "It is that easy", Peter will think, looking at his emerald-bladed knife. "I will kill him with the knife and the room will disappear. I will be free." The snakes on the knife's handle stared at him.  
  
THE WINDOW IS INSIGNIFICANT.  
  
"It is not anymore. It is my way out."  
  
THERE IS NO WAY OUT.  
  
"I will just kill him and be done with it."  
  
THERE IS NO WAY OUT.  
  
"The sun was so real out there. There is an out, therefore there must be a way out."  
  
THE WINDOW IS INSIGNIFICANT. THERE IS NO WAY OUT.  
  
"But what if I killed him?"  
  
THAT IS NOT THE WAY OUT.  
  
"Is there something that IS the way out?"  
  
NOT HARRY POTTER. NOT THE ROOM.  
  
Peter will not find this as understandable. But understanding will not be what he will be there for. Harry Potter will be lying in front of him, awaiting his knife. It will be the only way.  
  
Peter Pettigrew will look at the wall. It will still look insignificant, but will not disappear. He will then look at the scar on the young boy's forehead. A lightning bolt. A powerful Shock. Something Peter Pettigrew was not all that unfamiliar with.  
  
===SHOCK===  
  
Peter was suddenly in a damp basement. How he arrived there, he knew not. He only knew that the place was sickeningly familiar, until the last eerie detail. The random patterns of the tree roots, for the place had no ceiling; The dirty floor; And the pressure on his limbs, for he was restrained on a chair.  
  
"Can you feel the pain?", the dark voice hissed at his ear. "Such a wonderful thing it is, pain. It can tame people. Something incredibly useful, and more so to me. So tell me, my new spy. Reveal the location of those muggles you claim are cooperating with the enemy."  
  
"You- you are insane!", Pettigrew gasped, trying to be freed from his restraints and figure whether the room he has just come from was just a distant dream. His finger- his FINGER was in its place. Along with his hand. It seemed catastrophically natural.  
  
"You prefer not to talk, I see." There was a whisper and the wave of a wand, and Peter suddenly felt as if he was the victim of a days-long thunderstorm compressed into ten seconds. Ten seconds which seemed like eternity. And with them came the realization that from then on things would not be the same again. The line was crossed.  
  
He remembered where all of that led. It led to a field of muggle corpses he had the displeasure of seeing with his own eyes. It, it was not right! Something MUST have been done! How could anybody cooperate with something like this! And the blood death darkness evil twistedness doom... the shock... the SHOCK... he has allied himself with evil... out of fear... and now he was facing a nightmare, the nightmare of his choice... but could have any other one been made?  
  
Even if it could have, it has not.  
  
*****flash*****  
  
There will be a sudden noise. "What is causing this noise? I am the only living form in here besides Potter.", Pettigrew will think. But then he will look at the wall and see what will be going on. One row of the wall will collapse. But trying to reach into the created space will achieve nothing. Behind the wall will be nothing. Empty space.   
  
EMPTY SPACE?  
  
"Is that all? This is not possible! It has to have more meaning than that!", Peter will think. But these protests will be in vain. Peter will have been used to bending the reality of his mind. It would had been the antidote against the guilt. An antidote he would had been addicted to.  
  
===DENIAL===  
  
Denial is, clearly, not just a river in Egypt.  
  
There it was again. Peter Pettigrew was in a place and time he was not suppoused to be in. Well, he USED to be suppoused to be in them at some point but certainly not this one. There was something unsettling about the whole thing.  
  
"Under Lord Voldemort, we will step into a new era- an era beyond our wildest dreams. An era of freedom, compared to which this pitiful excuse for a reality will be but a MERE SHADOW!"  
  
Masses upon masses of the crowd around him roared. They were mesmerized. Mesmerized by promises of wealth and power... promises which, Pettigrew sickeningly knew now, were false. There was no power, wealth or future. Just the darkness, a darkness which was the sole purpose him and his comrades- most of them destined for death- were to serve. But the way was already chosen for him. It is so comfortable to believe. Power, freedom- freedom from his own guilt- prosperity. All of these, they could be his. Maybe. If he kept on to this way. If the road to hell is one of good intentions, can the road to heaven be a one of bad ones?  
  
NO, a part of his brain said. IT LEADS TO SOMETHING WORSE THAN HELL.  
  
But Peter Pettigrew walked it nonetheless.  
  
*****flash*****  
  
This time, he will notice the source of the rumbling sound right away. Another line of bricks of the wall will give way, but behind it, still the same black infinite emptiness. "Is there any way out of this madness at all?!", Pettigrew will think. Such an easy task expanding into such a bewildering epic. Or maybe it was the bewildering epic that could have been his life being humbled into nothing but a simple task. Either way, he would give anything to have but a small fraction of that epic back. ANYTHING!   
  
YOU HAVE ALREADY GIVEN EVERYTHING, AND YOUR PRIZE IS THAT YOU'RE STILL ALIVE.  
  
"yay for me.", pettigrew will think.  
  
It will occur to him then that, with the layers of the wall constantly giving way, there might be a way out. There might. But no inspiration struck. Everything felt dull, as if the living process of his brain generating the reality was suddenly unplugged from the electricity of the outside world it was metaphorically feeding upon. It felt as if he will remain in that state forever. He turned to the wall again.. and it had a receptacle. It was shaped just like his knife. He will not hesitate to put the knife inside. What will be the knife compared to what may lay on the other side of the wall? The knife will just a tool, a part of his designated mission. Out there might be something wondrous; Something outside of the mindframe. Perhaps... perhaps he could be free. He will not feel any remorse or beats of consciousness, just a looming mentality of being tired of it all. Couldn't them- Sirius, Remus, Voldemort, Potter- leave him alone and let him live a normal life? Why will he have had to be faced with such a terrible choice?  
  
He will put the knife into the receptacle, and the wall, in return, will give him a monocle. Strange... He recognized it from somewhere. He will toy around with it absentmindedly, it being the only interactive object in the room. He will then look through it, closing one eye, and see not the room, but a cave... another naggingly familiar environment...  
  
===BARGAINING===  
  
The experience was not too unfamiliar by now... another fraction of existence from the past, a reflection of what has been and what might have been if it hadn't been. That cave, miles upon miles underground- floor, walls and perfectly parabolic ceiling of perfectly polished white marble, almost infinitely reflecting the wildly flickering fire which was the only illumination source of the chamber, lending it a slightly surreal ambience.  
  
A chair turned around... Pettigrew saw only the back of it, since the lord Voldemort thought of himself too highly to directly face lowlife like himself. What did he do to deserve all that power and respect?, a wild thought crossed Pettigrew's mind. He acts as if he did something for it, like he deserves respect for earning it. But him- him, and the death eaters- they ACKNOWLEDGED him. They at least admitted the fact he existed. By group law- the blessed law that defined all death eaters as equally inferior to Voldemort. And all non-death eaters as the scum of the earth. Thinking of winning with this side against winning with the other side almost flooded his mind with glee... perhaps he HAS made the right decision... Winning with James, Sirius and Remus... what would he get? "Hey, good job, Peter,", "Thank you for sacrificing the best years of your life so our sorry selves could live on while showing off to all the girls and get all the fame, Pete,", "I really appreciate this, Peter, well, that's where we part ways, I guess.". They didn't really care about him. They were all ego-tripping freaks. Yes, THEY were the freaks, not him- who wrote the rules on exactly what is normal and what is a freak? -They needed a powerless doofus like himself around to help themselves feel superior. But here- here he had a future. the Lord Voldemort is evil, the Lord Voldemort is cruel... but the Lord Voldemort does not take his helpers, his followers, for granted. If you fail, he tortures you... it just gives you a frame, a simple motivation scenario. When you do something for the Lord Voldemort, he is almost kind. He gives you comfort, food, residence... he provides you with life.  
  
Peter reflected on these thoughts in hindsight.  
  
He hated them. He hated THEM ALL. There is no good or evil. There is no power, either. These are all just stupid things people delude themselves with in their quest to feel superior to others, and him, being an easy target, had always been the first target of such a journey. With Voldemort and his merry pack of death eaters, you are almost appreciated as what you are, as long is "what you are" includes hurting innocent people or executing the lord's latest ridiculous anti-crusade for this item or killing that person- it doesn't even matter, since even if the goal is different, the methods are always the same. Capture person. Torture person. Get key item. Break defense, capture person. Torture person. Use person as bait to get Friend/Significant Other/Son/Father/Brother/Sister/Pick one. Stir, add water, repeat. Peter Pettigrew didn't want that. On the other hand, there's the "Good Side". There, you don't hurt innocents, but you don't do anything else, either. Nothing that will get it through the thick skulls of your surroundings that you EXIST, anyway. You could write a poem and nobody will care. Then, let's say, James Potter will assemble some random kitsch lines that he probably heard in some hollywood movies into a poem for L... lily... and she'll swoon all over him and everybody will be happy and cheer for how sickeningly "sweeeeet" and nauseously "cuuuuuuuuute" the song was...  
  
pain... jealousy... heartwretchedness... why...  
  
He wanted to quit the game. Stop the world... Peter Pettigrew wants to get off. Peter pettigrew will have no more of that nonsense.  
  
*****flash*****  
  
And again, the sound of another layer of the wall, crumbling into dust. A sudden thought will strike him and he will search the crumbled dust for a flash of emerald or a silver snake, figuring that his knife ought to be somewhere in there. But to no avail: The knife will have disappeared.  
  
He will sigh elaborately... something will be, clearly, not right with that wall... then again something will also, clearly, not right with himself. He will almost feel a mock kinship to the wall.  
Harry Potter was still sound asleep on the white bed nearby... white, like the wall and the rest of the room. With the window- the main light source- gone, it will seem gloomily ethereal.  
  
Harry Potter... The Boy Who Lived. Who ever thought that such a regular-looking boy could affect the destiny of thousands, if not milllions, worldwide. Peter was responsible for the death of the parents of this boy, and the boy has had his revenge, in a way. The death eaters hate him because he brought the Lord Voldemort's fall; The "Good Guys" hate him because he was responsible for the death of the potters. That is how it goes- evil people care about results, "good" people care about intentions. If you do something of an evil intention and the result is good, you end up being hated by everybody.  
  
Peter will continue to walk around the room aimlessly, purposefully stepping where layers of the wall used to stand as if claiming his own small victory over the part of it that will have collapsed. A sudden thought will strike him and he will try punching the next layer of the wall with his silver hand, to no avail. When suddenly the wall will crack... the cracks will expand and create an image of the dark mark. Horrified, peter will watch it. The dark mark... the worst fear of all...   
  
===FEAR===  
  
This is what you probably think of me, right? A coward. Somebody the world is better off without. Continue to think that if you like. You know something, YOU should have been there instead of me. YOU should have been the one having to either risk your own life or commit treason... and I should be the one in the audience, going all "tut tut tut" about whatever choice you made. Before you knew Sirius was innocent, you thought I chose the former... and you all mourned my death, said how I should have not tried to confront Sirius, went oh-how-no-justice-exists-in-this-world on my tragedy, and oh well, that's it then. Funny, this almost provided me with a 13-year view as a rat on a what-if scenario, what if I would have chosen the other side. Now, you all know I turned to the latter, and suddenly everyone starts throwing accusations and wants me dead. That's the marvellous choice then! Either die now, or spend the rest of your life running from the whole world and their mother if Voldemort decides to fall! You know what, I'd pay good money to see YOU, tut-tut-tut-ing over there in the background, go through that. So guess what, I go for the choice which leaves me a chance to live- (don't start with the 'you had a chance sticking with your friends too', James did and look where it got him, I could have as easily be turned into the dark lord by a traitor just like James was)- and as I approach the dark lord with the only thing I've got that could possibly let someone like me into his inner circle and give me a chance at life, the fact that I am the Potters' secret keeper, and I'm sure that at least now I'm going to get some peace and quiet for a while except for doing whatever death eaters do, Moldy Voldy goes to the house of the Potters and gets himself a one-way ticket to fallen-dark-lord-land.  
  
Could I have predicted that? Actually, yes, I could, but THAT enlightenment only occured after I made the choice of what side I was on, anyway. You probably think that with all the blah blah blah I should have still chosen to stick with my "friends". Well, how about I refresh your memory about what it's like being AFRAID. And it's not a one-moment fright. There's a rising lord of darkness, and at any given moment he could decide to get rid of you- or your family- and there is nothing you can do about it. There is nowhere you can hide. A fidelius charm can only get you so far until the lord discovers whomever the secret keeper is and goes after THAT person, dropping little hints that he might let that person live if he turns in who the lord is really after. Nowhere to run, nowhere to hide, and suddenly to your utter amazement you discover that despite all the wondrous ideals of bravery and self-sacrifice, you have this nagging feeling that you want to stay alive.  
  
Did Remus, Sirius or James put their life in danger for ME? HA! They are the elite. They had the most powerful wizard of the generation to protect them, and also me as a defense tool. They, themselves, hid comfortably in safe haven, the only safe haven available in the world- under Dumbledore's care. They also thought that my secret-keeping counts. Well, too bad they were wrong. They wanted to live! Well, I have news for you, dear "friends", I WANTED TO LIVE TOO! "hiding place", shmiding place, as if Sirius believed for one second that the lord wouldn't be able to find me in that rocky cave. Why do you think he kept visiting me there daily, for fun?... Obviously not. He knew that the Dark Lord will find me, the question was just WHEN. So the idea was that Sirius could inform Lily and her Wrong Choice on around one day's notice when I disappeared. Taking into account the time it will take the lord to milk the information through torture from the brave and emotionally rock-hard Peter Pettigrew, he'll warn the Potters who will quickly move out. When Peter finally breaks, the lord goes to Godric's hollow, finds no Potters and has Peter killed. I doubt the great Sirius or the holier-than-thou Remus would lower themselves to that, not talking about James Almighty for whom this whole operation was carried out. Why was it? Who knows. I didn't. I was not going to give up my life for Sirius, Remus or James... just like they wouldn't do it for me. Sure, they said the would, but saying you would and DOING it are two things that are different by lightyears.   
  
*****flash*****  
  
Peter pettigrew will look at the wall expectantly. No further layer of it will crumble. He will feel confused, and... and cheated out. "This must be some mistake!", he will yell, waiting more for the wall to make a sound, to move anything. "No... NO..." His eyelids will maniacally move. "NO! THIS MUST CONTINUE! I MUST HAVE SOME KIND OF CLOSURE!" He will launch himself at the wall and pound on it with both his hands. "NO! NO! NOOO!" His mind will be fogged by the fury...  
His poundings on the wall will gradually decrease until ceasing... and then he will collapse to the floor and weep.  
  
===ANGER...DESPAIR===  
  
The sun, radiating light and heat in the horizon, setting decidedly into a blood-red massacre of the passing day, never to return; The sky, infinite and free; The trees, branches gently brushing from side to side by the gentle wind of slightly humid air; And determination to find Tom Riddle and surrender the information. He could run into Sirius and Remus. He didn't care. The lord could kill him. He didn't care. He has made a choice, and he was going to go with it. He tried to remain alive. If he ever will be caught, so be it. They will kill him THEN. But this gave him the chance. Everybody will remember him after this. Either as a hero, or hatefully. He hoped for the former. He knew Lily too well, he knew she would try to protect that boy. He heard Sirius talk about the ancient defense magic of sacrifice once, when he read about it in a book in the library in the restricted section as a part of a bet. Sirius himself, of course, would never remember that. And if he found it again, he would not, god forbid, choose to sacrifice two people so the whole world could be saved. Uh-huh. No go, world. Good luck fending off a near-omnipotent evil wizard.  
  
All he needed is to give Voldemort the info where to go. He realized that "choosing" the side of the dark lord very conveniently was a key part of the new plan that he formed, although he didn't know that when he joined him. The potters will be lost. So what? Lily will pay the price of choosing that Poseur, James. James will pay the price of taking what wasn't rightfully his. Their little boy, which would remain alive, as a saddening part of the plan? Dumbledore would probably send somebody to collect him and take care of him or something. The plan was foolproof. Either Voldemort dies in there and Peter emerges as the hero who made a choice of sacrificing somebody else to save the world, or he doesn't and then Peter sticks to the dark lord as his trusted servant who was responsible for the fall of the Potters. Either way, he gets recognition. People will FINALLY see who peter pettigrew is and what he is REALLY capable of...  
  
How nobody figured he could pull a plan like that was not surprising. People thought of him as a, to blatantly put it, an idiot. Oh, the wonderful turmoil that will follow! "Somebody who didn't get good grades at school could actually out-smart everybody else!", they will say, "How impossible!" and will be oblivious to the irnoy that they were, too, outsmarted. He didn't have to make a choice... it was to be made for him. If Voldemort dies and people don't take the "sacrifice one person to save the WHOLE FREAKING WORLD" thing well- the ONE SINGLE failure in the plan- he had a backup plan even for that. He'd blame Sirius for the whole thing. Frame him, in fact. That'd be two patronizing idiots for the price of one! The wizarding world has become so paranoid since Voldemort's rise that even the slightest suspicion could send somebody to Azkaban just in case. With everybdy thinking that Sirius was the secret keeper and the potters betrayed- and a the marvellous framing ploy he had in mind for that case, of course- Sirius would be thrown immediately into Azkaban. Without a trial, even. Nobody will listen to his ridiculous story about poor, weak Peter being the true secret keeper.  
  
*****flash*****  
  
"Now it is all over.", Pettigrew will think. "It's all over. I executed my plan. Voldemort was stripped of all of his powers. Many people wanted revenge against the secret keeper... they all thought it was sirius. I faked my death and framed him for the murder. He went to Azkaban. And me... I stayed as a rat. I suddenly understood that I'll have no chance to return as a hero to anybody... all sides hated me. My only chance to safely be human ever again will be to hope that Voldemort ascends again... and join him. And when I had my chance I found him and acted as his servant. I had to help him. Nobody will accept me after what I have done to the Potters... and I longed to be free from having to be a rat all the time.  
  
He has completely risen again, and is now at full power. The world has no hope. There is nobody to sacrifice this time... nobody with the properties needed for it to have a chance to work, anyway. Our world and the muggle world are doomed.  
  
...What have I Done?!..."  
  
/~CRUMBLE~\  
  
The wall will release one final roar of anguish, crack and evaporae into white dust, filling the room. And to his amazement, Peter will see a gleam of gold near the wall behind it. He will rush to it and quickly dust off whatever dust was left over it and lift his golden, ruby-strewn dagger and grasp its handle, shaped like a roaring lion.  
  
Yes, there will be a wall behind it. Nothing was behind the wall but another wall. But Peter Pettigrew will not care. He will already know the answer.  
  
He will scrutinize Harry Potter, the boy who lived, once again. "This boy... this boy... he is the hope of the world. Him, and only him, can defeat the dark lord."   
  
The window will punctually reappear with a deafening sound and a bedazlling flash of golden-yellow light, powerfully amplified through the ectasy and elation of the moment, blindingly refracting off of the blindingly white walls of the room. Peter Pettigrew will raise the knife, look at the boy, and with a swift motion stab his own heart, kneel and collapse to the floor with the final revelation that this time, no matter what they say or how they put it, he HAS made a difference.  
  
Peter Pettigrew will be free. 


End file.
